Living With Intention and Giving Myself Grace

I struggled my whole way through school. Not just struggled, but probably should’ve failed. I barely skated by. I went to a private school my whole life. You learned the same material as everyone else and at the same pace. My Dad was the Principal at my Lutheran Grade School growing up, and I remember sitting on his lap taking a test. I have no clue what the test was called and I don’t remember how old I was, but it was to see if I had a learning disability. We sent it in, only for the results to show ‘no learning disability,’ just a processing delay. When the rest of the class was 2 pages ahead, I was still trying to figure out and comprehend what had been covered 2 pages back. But nope. No learning disability. So I was put back into that classroom, never to be evaluated again. Never.

My desk was a mess. I had one failed work sheet after another. Just piling up so that I wouldn’t have to bring it home and show my parents. It’s probably because of kids like me, students now need assignment notebooks and tests signed by their parents. Even if they get 100%! Haha.

I still remember my 3rd and 4th grade teacher making me stay after class to clean out all the papers in my desk. Some were done but everything was wrong and some were blank papers that I “forgot at home.” 😉 (I don’t remember any of my teachers taking the time to work on problems with me. It was either sink or swim) She made me put all these papers in a manilla envelope, bring it home, and get it signed. I went straight home and threw it in the trash. The next day I made up some lie why I didn’t have the envelope signed, but it was never talked about again. Never.

My school and those teachers failed me.

Then I’d get beautiful hard cover books from my Godmother, only for extended family members to make jokes, “do you need hooked on phonics to be able to read that?” I laughed. We all laughed. I made jokes to cover up my insecurity of being embarrassed. It became the joke of my family. So much so, that I got a necklace for my Confirmation, but it was wrapped inside a huge book. The pages had a square cut out of each page so that a jewelry box could fit inside this book. Just for this gift to be turned into a joke on my Confirmation Day watching me open another ‘book.’

A college recruiter came to my High School from Bethany Lutheran to talk to our class about going to Bethany. He met with all the students individually and looked at my test scores. He looked me straight in the eye and told me the only reason I’d get into Bethany was because of my Dad. If I wasn’t at a private school, and a Lutheran principals daughter, I’m pretty sure I would’ve done or said something to get myself kicked out. Ass hole.

I didn’t go to Bethany. Nor will my kids.

I’ll never forget the last semester of my senior year when I actually made Honor Roll and my Dad decorated my bedroom. As exciting as it was, I knew it was also because it was the easiest semester ever filled with classes that just got me enough credits to graduate.

My High School failed me.

I started at Aveda Institute a month after graduating High School. I not only succeeded, it was the first time in my life that I excelled. I was in the top of the class the whole way through school. It was the first time in my life I didn’t feel like a failure. Imagine going 18 years feeling like you were less than. In everything you did. Imagine people making you feel like you were less than for the first 18 years of your life.

After Aveda and working at Jon English in Uptown, I decided I needed to prove everyone wrong and go back to college. Haha. What a joke that was.

It took me maybe 3 years to get generals done at a community college in downtown Minneapolis, and then I transferred to St Cloud State University. I will never forget my first day at SCSU. I got the WORST episode. Leaving class hardly able to walk I was so dizzy, and just barely making it to a toilet to throw up. Girls whispering that “someone had too much to drink the night before.” I waited until the bathroom was empty to finally come out of the stall to stumble my way back to my apartment and throw up in the grass on my walk back. It. Was. Awful.

No. I never finished college. I can’t even remember if I made it through a full year. I feel like I withdrew after the first semester. My roommate and college bestie might remember. Haha.

After just a glimpse into my struggles, that brings me to our Sweet #3.

I always said I would never wish on my worst enemy for someone to have CVS. (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) But what I never thought of, was raising a more severe version of myself academically. Or is he more severe? As I think back, is it just because we didn’t have the resources available to us that make me think I wasn’t as severe? I was never looked at properly or had a team of people to guide us to even give me a sliver of hope to make me feel successful. As an adult now, I wonder if I was just as severe as him, but not only did we not have the resources, I wasn’t surrounded by people who poured their hearts and souls into kids, the way Kylan has been surrounded by. He has had a constant village of people who have wanted nothing but the best for him. Who also has never made him feel like he’s less of a little human than any of his peers.

Because of my own experiences, it’s why I will fight every single day and pray that we are making the best decisions for him.

This is why, I am his mom.

It’s why I’ve always been and will continue to be, his biggest cheerleader. It’s why God has put the most amazing humans in this boys life since he was 3 years old. From the preschool teachers who evaluated him, to then conducting a play based assessment, to then finding the best pediatrician to refer us to his neuropsychologist. For that Dr to diagnose him with a language processing disorder and refer us to a place for therapy for OT, PT and speech, along with an audiologist to rule out hearing issues. To then being introduced to Chiropractic care to get his nervous system in check, along with yoga that helped him graduate out of OT! And then his teams he had rooting for him at Prairie Grove and then South, to finally land at Immanuel where he repeated 1st grade and has been loved, encouraged and supported in a Christian environment, and is now in 4th grade. His countless teachers and aides have been nothing short of amazing and I am forever grateful. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how fiercely he has been loved. And encouraged. And supported. And NEVER made to feel less than. This is why his story continues as he is starting a brand new chapter. With a lump in my throat. I feel like I haven’t been able to get a good breath for a month now. I hold stress in my neck and shoulders, and I don’t remember the last time I have felt this tight. But it’s all because change is hard. But change is inevitable if we want to keep him fully supported with getting his accommodations met.

I will not fail him.

There’s a season for everything, and with tears in my eyes and my heart beating out of my chest, I can say his season at Immanuel is coming to a close at the end of the month.

After a meeting and multiple conversations, he is heading back to South Elementary who is happy to have him back! I’m so proud to be his mom. He truly leaves his Kylan Jack spirit wherever he goes. (I may be a bit biased 😉)

We came to this decision knowing he would have to transfer to a public school for middle school. But after my last meeting with the resource director at Immanuel (who has been great!) I came to the realization we needed to switch him back for his final year in elementary school, to a place he has a little history at, and where staff still knows him and us, as his parents. We need to get his IEP re-established, since that’ll take some time, and he’ll get to know kids who will end up being at his middle school. With all of that combined, it should make for a smoother transition for him…and all of us.

We told Kylan of this new plan at dinner one night. I asked him what he thought about everything. In true Kylan fashion he says, “About what? The soup or the school?” 🤣🤣🤣 My response. “Okay Kylan, let’s start with the soup. How do you like the soup tonight?“ 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Then after his Valentine’s party at school, he told me one of his teachers asked him why he didn’t tell her he was leaving!? (I had called her the night before and was shocked to find out he hadn’t said a word to any of his teachers! This is NOT like Kylan. My little ‘no filter’ kid 😆) His response to her? “I’m SORRY! But I brought you chocolate!” 🤣🥹 (Clearly I am his mom and he thinks chocolate will help everything 😂)

This kid keeps us laughing. He knows he is fully loved and supported. And that’s all that matters.

There is a reason I’m his Mama. I will not fail him. Here’s to a new chapter in his story. I love watching it all unfold. This kid is a world changer ❤️

~XOXO

I had just finished lunch. I was actually eating my last raspberry and the room went bright and it felt like I was in a tunnel. It was going in and out. I was thinking what in the world!? I just ate lunch! I’ve been drinking my water. I should NOT feel light headed. I brushed it off but the sensation wouldn’t go away. I started seeing black spots. I briefly mentioned it to my boss but just tried to ignore it. I wasn’t feeling like I was getting an episode. I didn’t have a headache. I was going to be fine.

The phone rang, I answered but the phone felt heavy and my words seemed hard to get out and they all slurred together. Luckily I didn’t need to say much on that phone call. When I hung up, it felt like the phone just dropped out of my hand. I sat there. My boss said something to me. I don’t remember if I responded or didn’t make sense or what, but she was looking at me in a way she could tell something wasn’t right. I got up to go talk to her in her office so I wouldn’t make a scene because I wasn’t sure what was happening and I was getting scared. By the time I tried telling her what was happening, I could only get out some words and it was gradually getting harder to talk. I told her this isn’t my ‘normal’ feeling with an episode. As she was getting Travis’ number to call, she asked if I ever had panic attacks. I hadn’t.

A mom was coming in so I went to lay down in the health room. I really didn’t need to make a scene. I just started crying. What in the world was happening!? Our principle and business manager came in. The principal started asking questions and I couldn’t respond. We switched to yes/no questions so I could just nod.

“Do you want us to call an ambulance?” I shook my head no. All I was thinking is, Travis can just come pick me up and bring me home! He called the ambulance anyways. He was on the phone with the dispatcher. “Can you give me a smile?” I tried. I couldn’t. “Can you stick out your tongue?”That was difficult but I think I did. Everything went so fast from that point on. The business manager stayed with me and was telling me God was with me. She was calming me down. It reminded me of what my friend taught me to do on days I wasn’t feeling well. Just saying 4 word mantras. “God. is. with. me.”… “He. gives. me. strength.” As long as I wouldn’t think about my kids and husband, I was somewhat calm. If I thought about them, I would just start crying harder.

Travis got there. His eyes looked terrified. I tried asking where Isla was because she stayed home from school. He couldn’t understand what I was trying to say. The paramedics came. Maybe it was the other way around.

I got put on a stretcher. All I kept thinking was “are you KIDDING me!?! I’m getting taken out on a stretcher?” There goes my plan of trying not to make a scene!

The paramedics were amazing. They were so kind and gentle and explained everything that was going on. I was aware of everything but my body was not working! I could tell by their turns when they got out of Immanuel’s parking lot and Jewel…and then they turned the sirens on. WHAAAATTTTT!?! I needed sirens!? Guys, I don’t want to make a scene! The paramedic got on the phone and gave the hospital all the details of who I was and what was going on. We got there and I couldn’t even tell them thank you. But THANK YOU!

I’m now being brought straight into a CT scan and they’re asking me if they can give me TNK. “It’s a blood thinner to help break up a blood clot if you’re having a stroke” WHAT!?! I reluctantly nodded yes. I’m all alone, I can’t talk, and I needed to make important decisions. Then I hear, “The Pastors are here but her husband isn’t!’ All I could think was ‘WHAT is happening!?!’

Funny story. Because trust me, we needed a laugh in a major way…When I was better in the hospital bed, Travis starts telling me how he even repeated after the paramedics, “McHenry hospital.” So he gets to the hospital, “I need to see my wife, Amanda Biggar.” Sir, we don’t have your wife here.” “Ummmmm this is McHenry hospital right!?” “No sir, this is Crystal Lake.” 😂🙈

He did make it to the McHenry Hospital. When he got there, the nurse got him and told him he needed to come with her right away. Poor Trav. He was traumatized.

The nurse talks about some shading in the right frontal lobe but the MRI will tell us better what it is. If anything.

They get me up to the ICU and I start getting super hot. Oh crap. I can’t talk, I have no strength in my limbs and I’m getting a CVS episode. You have GOT to be kidding me. I start trying to motion that I’m hot and nauseous. Side Note: luckily Trav and I have been together so long, I maybe only got out 1 syllable or motioned something, but he was a great interpreter the whole time. So they give me Zofran through my IV and I felt better within minutes. I was just still sleepy and dizzy.

As I’m in the middle of an episode, unable to talk, I hear the Dr start talking to Travis about my care and all the therapies I will need. Oh Lord, I don’t have time for this. I’m going to be okay! Please God, I’m going to be okay. But right now, I don’t want to move. I don’t want people to touch me. I need a fan, my covers, and a dark room. Non of this was happening. In fact they were transferring me to the hardest bed ever, to wheel me down to the bumpiest hallway in the hospital, to then be put on a lift, up to a tiny, cold tunnel. This has now topped my most bizarre episode yet, but thank God for the zofran because it allowed me to just sleep through the loud MRI and not have to throw up. Yay me!

I get out of the MRI and have to sign who knows what. How can they have people sign papers when they aren’t fully functioning!?! I couldn’t sign my name. It looked like letters of a 3 year old. I just started crying. Again. My life was changing in front of my eyes as I knew it. How can I not sign my name!?!

We get back up to my room in the ICU and the zofran starts wearing off. I’m able to kind of make out a word now and I motioned for a bag. Finally I could throw up so that I would at least feel better in some way. It made me calm immediately and I went to sleep for maybe an hour.

I woke up around 7pm and I could speak! Y’all, I could talk! It’s like my body did a full reset. God made my body whole again.

The next next day I asked my mom for a piece of paper. I needed to see if I could sign my name. My first try was a little rusty but the 2nd attempt was pretty close to my signature. Whew!

We cried. We laughed. We cried. And we laughed some more. Laughing truly is the best medicine. The amount of gratitude I was feeling, was and is, truly immeasurable.

The MRI was clear. The CT the next day, was clear. I feel like a walking miracle and it’s all because of our awesome God and the many prayers. They were truly felt through the whole experience. Through the tears. Through the fear. Through the unknown. Through it all, I still felt a bit of peace and calm.

The neurologist came to talk to us about my final scan. He was serious. And they never get to the news right away, do they? In fact, his presence through the whole thing made my mom and Trav have a bad feeling about the scan. Travis said his heart dropped. Me on the other hand, had no clue they were getting a bad feeling because I was on cloud nine that I was functioning again! Eventually, with his very serious demeanor, he did say that there was no scar tissue on the brain and everything looked how it should. But because my symptoms lasted as long as they did, they’re considering it to be a mini stroke/TIA. If it was a bad migraine (which was the only other possibility), he said those symptoms would have only lasted an hour or two at most. My symptoms started around 12:15/12:30 Thursday afternoon, and ended between 7/7:30pm.

Not many people can say they got discharged right out of the ICU, but I am beyond thankful that I did! I either had the choice to stay until Monday to have a TEE done, or I could be discharged as long as I got it done within 7 days. Welp, turns out I can’t get it done within the 7 days (long story), but I still busted out of there! And home never felt so good. Although I do love the hospital. I get my meals served to me and I can order as many things as I want! And when I’m not allowed to eat for about 28 hours, I wanted to order one item from every category.

This memory showed up on Saturday. The day after I had gotten home. And in that moment, I remembered to breathe, and to keep praying. In times of confusion, and fear, and sadness…and times of relief, and happiness, and gratefulness. Just pray.

~XOXO

I’ve had this Blog Title in my drafts for weeks now. I haven’t written anything because honestly, I don’t know where to begin. Also, because of doubters and haters and needing to prove to myself I can do this before I put it out into the universe. There’s SO much I want to cover. I’ve been on a health journey for yearssssss. The first instrumental year being 2017. The year I started Chiropractic care. I’m not going to back track and talk about the past 6 years, but I am going to tell you about the power in 10 minutes a day.

I used to think it was normal to be exhausted 90% of the time. And when I say 90% of the time, I’m not exaggerating. I used to think it was absolutely crazy how families could go for bike rides on Sunday afternoons. Or anytime for that matter. All I was doing was struggling to get through a day. I woke up every morning and Travis would laugh at me because I’d say “I love my bed! I can’t wait to go back to bed tonight!” I was literally doing the bare minimum I had to do as a mom of 4 human kids and 1 dog, a wife, and someone who has 3 jobs 😆

One thing I should note is that I was also extremely anemic. I started working with a functional medicine Dr I trust back in July of last year, and my numbers are heading in the right direction. Thank you, Lord.

What I wasn’t prepared for was a completely life altering experience when I not only started combining chiropractic care, all my supplements my Dr has me on, eating WHOLE foods, and taking 10 minutes a day of high impact exercise. TEN minutes. Y’all, everyone has 10 minutes. I know…I thought I didn’t, and I’m sure some of you don’t think you have 10 minutes to give to yourself. But you DO! I’m also someone who will always need a good 8 hours of sleep to function, so when I would wake up at 5am to do CrossFit years ago, 1) it wasn’t sustainable, and 2) my body HATED me. But getting up 10 minutes earlier? Hell yeah I can do that! (Sorry. I’m so passionate about this. Lol)

I also needed to get this out there before I’m considered a fraud. But you know what prioritizing those 10 minutes a day and eating the right foods have done? Give me MORE energy where I started going into my son’s room and doing some weights a few nights a week…and now I do yoga every night! And because of my type A personality with SOME (😉) things, my main motivation? This habit tracker that I get to color in after I completed a day! And who wants to see blank holes? Definitely not me! I’ve told Travis multiple times, if it wasn’t for coloring in my little date, I would’ve stopped a long time ago. Every night I’d look at which exercise I’d be doing the next morning and dread it. But I’d force myself to get up and do it because of that damn habit tracker! My 10 minute workout program gives you a rest day every 3 and then 2 days, and since I didn’t want a non colored hole, I will do 5 minute walking lunges. (If you want the slowest 5 minutes of your life, do walking lunges. Ha!…but the best part was having my kids cheer me on the first time I did them.) I also do 30 vacuum twists every morning and night and 100 calf raises every night. Because it’s this weird domino affect of wanting to do just a little more.

You guys. You know those people who ACTUALLY wash their face and brush their teeth and have a night time routine? (Like my sister 😆) I thought those people were INSANE! Like…where are the people who are so tired they throw their clothes on the floor and hop into bed as soon as their youngest child is in bed? Now those were my people! The ones who if they’re in bed and your daughter yells from the other room she’s thirsty or needs an apple and you yell back, ‘ask your dad! Mom is done for the day!’ Those were my people. But that’s not me anymore! I’m 42 years old and I have a freaking nighttime routine y’all! I put my daughter to bed and there’s still more of me to give if she needs it. And she does, fyi. I NEVER knew this could be real life. I thought this type of life was only in fairytales…or my sister’s life. Ha! And here’s the honest truth. It CAN be real life for every day people like you and me.

I’m not going to tell you it’s been easy. I pretty much hated everyone the first 3 weeks. Seriously. I was MORE tired than normal if you can believe that. I was irritable. And huge shoutout to my husband who did ALL the meal prep or I would’ve thrown in the towel after day 3 because I was hangry and wanted bread! I’m not lying. It. Was. Awful. And then my mom, bless her heart, came a week after my birthday with a huge pan of homemade cinnamon rolls. To bake in my oven y’all. So I could SMELL them baking. Seriously!?! I hadn’t told her about what we were doing because it was so early in the game. I didn’t need other people, on top of myself, doubting what I can or can’t do. I ate a quarter of a massive cinnamon roll because just like me, my mom makes things with love and I’m NOT going to hurt her feelings! (Thanks again, Mom ♥️) But lucky for me, my habit tracker isn’t about diet. (It is for Travis so he resisted the cinnamon roll 🤣) It’s about working out 10 minutes a day and drinking my water. So we’re all good…I could still color in my circle. Phew!

So here’s my advice to anyone. Give yourself 10 minutes a day and color in a habit tracker. Whatever that might look like for you. Color in SOMETHING. You’d be surprised. The magic doesn’t happen if you do an hour long workout every once in a while. The magic won’t happen if you do a 75 Hard Challenge once and nothing ever again. The magic won’t happen with unattainable goals. The magic WILL happen if you take 10 minutes for yourself and you’re consistent. I promise. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Let’s start normalizing that everyone’s lives are busy and not everyone has an hour of themselves to give. Not everyone’s body and health, mine included, can actually tolerate hour long workouts. Small changes equals big results. Trust me…Allow yourself 10 minutes a day and be consistent. Then hold on and watch the domino effect of endless changes in your mind, body, and soul.

You’re worth it.

~XOXO

♥️ Special Shoutout to My Husband. He’s legit the best human for me. He feeds me when I’m hangry, encourages me, believes in me, backs every crazy idea I ever come up with, (like trying Whole30 and committing to his own activity goal…he’s also crushing it!), and washes a thousand dishes a day including egg pans. Scrambled egg pans are the worst. Amongst doing all the dad things and working, of course. He’s the best ♥️

Thank you to my 2 little photographers, Grayson and Isla, for helping me track my progress. It’s hard. It’s awkward. It’s annoying. But take the picture ✌🏼

P.S. Now that I’m past the initial hard part of Whole30, I’m going for more of a 90/10 or 80/20 approach. It does not mean I will never have a cookie again. I’m not THAT crazy! 🤣😉 Eat good, Whole Foods, 90% (or 80%) of the time, and allow yourself some things you still love ✌🏼

I can’t believe we’re about to close out another year. I thought I was behind on getting this out there, along with everything else I’m behind on, but turns out I’m right on time! Last year I got our Christmas blog out on December 12th too! Speaking of December 12th…I’m supposed to be registering Talan for HIGH SCHOOL by TODAY! High School, y’all 🤯 This can’t be right. I’ve procrastinated on signing him up, but 8th grade night is already in January where they pick their classes and all the things and I’m not ready 😭 Anyways, enough about that. Time to give a recap of our 2022…

Travis ~ Continues to work at Kuehne + Nagel as a Senior Operational Manager, International Supply Chain. He’s been with KN for 5-1/2 years now! He’s been going back into the office a little more this past year, which I think has been a nice change of pace. When he’s not working, he’s doing all the Dad things and helping with chauffeuring the kids around to all of their activities or volunteering at church on Sundays. He’ll be rounding out this year turning the big 4-0!

Mandy ~ Welp. With all the kids in school this year, I decided to take on 3 jobs. I mean, why not? 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s made things a bit busy and the kids don’t always get fed or they might have to dig clean underwear out of the dryer, but it’s fine. Everything is totally fine! Ha!…I continue to do hair out of our home, which I love! I also started working in the school office 3 days a week which has been so fun, and I also work from home as a Talent Operations Coordinator for Advantage Solutions. My greatest joy is watching all of our kids being healthy and active in all of their many activities. If you know any part of my story, you should know that I most definitely do not take their health and ability to be active kids for granted at all.

Talan ~ (13 years old; 8th grade) Continues to grow as a soccer player. He was on the D2 team his first year in club soccer and made the jump up to YSSL (D1) and MWC this past Spring! He plays soccer year round, along with playing basketball for his school. I thought this winter would slow down a bit, but he’s playing or training for and with 5 different soccer teams/trainings along with basketball starting up. I told Travis he can manage Talan’s schedule and I’ll deal with the other 3. Ha!

Grayson ~ (11 years old; 5th grade) Loves to be in everything!…except basketball. He has made it clear he will NOT play basketball. He has kept busy with soccer, baseball, cross country, and gymnastics. He may be little, but he is strong! He loves all things sports and would be happy to sit on the couch watching football games with Dad all day. (Travis loves his love for watching football games with him on Sundays 😉) He also continues to be our puzzle and Lego kid. And one change this year is that he said math was his favorite subject! These boys definitely don’t get their math brain from their Mama! Thank goodness 🤣

Kylan ~ (9 years old; 2nd grade) Keeps busy going to Parkour twice a week, plays soccer in the Spring and Fall, and kept busy being in basketball clinics in the beginning of the year and took a basketball camp over the summer. He still loves creating with his sister, playing on any motorized little vehicle he can drive on, and playing his video games. Reading is coming slowly but surely and he has been able to make the switch and not be pulled out for math any longer! He still has homework modifications, but being able to stay in math class with his peers was an exciting win!

Isla ~ (6 years old; Kindergarten) started Kindergarten in the fall and LOVES school. She stays busy with being on Pre-Team in gymnastics and loves her dance class. If she’s not in school or at an activity she’s usually doing handstands or cartwheels throughout the house, singing and dancing to music she has me put on for her, or reminding me she has homework. She also loves creating. She will turn anything into a project or make use of complete junk! 😆 (she used stuffing from a stuffed animal, that got chewed open by Oakley, to make a bubble bath or hot tub in her Barbie playhouse pool. I mean…this girl…)

Oakley turned 2 in October and is currently enjoying an extended stay at Grandma’s house in South Dakota! We’ll be heading to AZ for Christmas, so Mom agreed to take Oakley home with her after Thanksgiving and will keep him until she comes back in January for my birthday and to help with my sister. We are beyond grateful to her for taking him, and I know he’s living his best life out there being able to play and run around with her dog in wide open spaces and just be a dog! He’ll probably be depressed for weeks once he’s back home 🤣🙈

Life is hard and can be messy, but may you all feel the Love of Jesus wrapped around you, have Peace in your homes and feel Joy in your hearts this Christmas Season and through the New Year!

~XOXO

The only possible thing that could have been worse this past week is losing my sister completely. And in this moment, it feels like I lost her. I know it’s temporary. Please, Lord, tell me it truly is temporary. These feelings are raw and real and no one can stop me from feeling this way.

I’m exhausted. Exhausted because I can’t sleep at night and have to take a nap during the day to help me get through each day. But then that prevents me from falling asleep at night. It’s a vicious cycle. And the one person I would text at night, is my sister.

She texted me today. She’s not supposed to have her phone. But she had it for just a brief moment. And she texted me. She said she was confused and asked if she had seen me today and said she misses and loves me. I told her she’s going to have to be patient with herself. And hopefully when there are less people in the house, and they’re back to their ‘normal’ routine, things will be quieter and it all will seem less confusing…But she didn’t see me today. She saw me yesterday and she doesn’t remember. So here I lay quietly sobbing, trying not to wake Travis up because I want her to remember. And I need to be strong and patient for her. Lord, please help her remember!

I thought everything would be so much better when she came home. I wasn’t mentally prepared to not have my best friend texting me throughout the day. I wasn’t prepared for her to not figure out when we should make Christmas cookies this year. My mom had to ask me about a Christmas sweatshirt that came in the mail. She doesn’t remember why she ordered it, so Mom figured that’s what it was for, but wanted to make sure. And it is. It was for when we’d make Christmas cookies! We were laughing about it on Thanksgiving when I got there, but tonight. Tonight, I just want to scream. I wasn’t prepared to not be able to discuss what we should get the girls this year for Christmas. It was going to be their American Girl Doll year. Isla’s getting her first American Girl doll, and I ordered an accessory to go with her doll from my sister. But I couldn’t quickly text what I should get Ellie. And I just want to scream. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I feel so incredibly alone during what is normally my favorite time of year. I’m not in the mood for any of it. My sister and I plan all the things and our husbands just show up 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️ In this moment, I don’t want to plan anything. But it’s just for the moment.

Kylan, bless his heart, has been giving me hugs out of nowhere. They got home from Talan’s soccer game tonight and the first thing he did was come into my room and said ‘Mommmm!’ And gave me the sweetest hug. Then he went and cleaned his room. No prompting. Nothing. He was so proud of himself!

Isla came and laid next to me and had me rub her back. These little people (and some not so little anymore 😭) need their Mama. I need to figure this out. And I know this. Trust me. I know this.

Travis has seriously been my rock. He’s let me absolutely lose my shit. He’s been quiet if I don’t want to talk, and he’s talked me off the ledge more times than I can count. But I have a family and I NEED to figure this out. No one is telling me I need to figure it out. But I know I do.

It’s amazing what this blog does for me. Truly. I don’t write in it often, but it’s there when I need it most. I started writing tonight not being able to sleep and crying into my pillow. And I’m ending the blog with a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest and ready to close my eyes.

In The Morning, When I Rise, Give Me Jesus…

I’m at peace. For the moment. Night. Night.

~XOXO

Yesterday was a good day. There was way more laughter than there were tears. In fact, I only cried when I came into the room and she said, “Hi Sissy!” I bawled in tears of joy and gave her a big hug because she sounded like herself. So. Much. Like. Herself. And she’s supposed to be discharged today! She had no seizures Monday night and she passed her OT tests with flying colors. Thank you, Lord. We’re on the road to recovery.

We found out yesterday that both her left and right lower temporal lobe was bruised from the seizures. Which explains why she not only has short term memory loss, but also some long term memory is gone. For now. We’re told it’ll come back. She does not remember that Walter, Grandpa or Grandma passed away. She also asked if people who are still living, are alive. And she asked multiple times. In light of everything going on, Angelo feels like he’s in the movie 50 First Dates, and is just so happy she remembers she loves him 😂🥹🥰

Although they couldn’t find a specific virus, they believe she had a viral infection in her body that caused the seizures. And two or more seizures puts you in the epileptic category. So they’re calling it Lower Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. She’ll have a PICC line for 2 weeks at home. And will follow up with a Neuro and Epilepsy Specialist.

After she’s done healing, which will take some time and we have to stay patient, and help her be patient with herself, she should continue to live a full, beautiful, life 🙏🏼🤍

One story I HAVE to share and I can’t stop laughing about is what I’ll call, ‘The Soup Story.’ I know. Super original 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️ Monday evening, both YiaYia and our mom brought her soup. She ate YiaYia’s soup. She said it was good…but kind of chalky 😆 But she ate all of it! And then…she ate our Mom’s soup. She took one bite and said, “This soup is GARBAGE!” 😳🤣🤣🤣🙈 Oh my gosh, I had tears running down my face we were laughing so hard. When we were telling her the story yesterday, she did NOT remember saying that at all and felt terrible, apologizing over and over to my mom. Reassuring her that her soup was not garbage, her throat is just weird. And then she whispered to me, “Have I been rude? I hope I haven’t been rude!” 🥹😂🥰 We’ll be taking everything she says with a grain of salt for a while, and continue to find the humor in the midst of sadness and frustration. Because laughter, truly is…the best medicine.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers. Your texts and messages. We truly are so grateful. By the time I finished writing this and ready to hit ‘publish,’ there was already a hiccup and now we aren’t sure if she’ll be home today or tomorrow. Regardless, she WILL be home for Thanksgiving ♥️

Please know that I receive every one of your texts and messages even if I haven’t been able to respond yet or right away. It feels like a very bad dream we’ve been in. I can’t wait to show her, every day if I have to, all of the love, thoughts, and prayers sent along the way.

On another note, Angelo hates social media. You won’t see a trace of him on there. (Except if my sister or I have posted a picture here or there 😉) I’m lucky that I’m one of his favorite humans 😆 because he’s letting me keep these blogs up. But this will most likely be the last blog posted specifically about my sister. He understands that writing is my therapy when something hard or traumatic is happening in this beautiful and messy thing we call…life.

~XOXO

Where do I begin? I don’t even know. What I do know is I got to FaceTime with my sister tonight since it was the first day I wasn’t able to be there, and she seems to be coming back to us. And in true sissy fashion, she was the one comforting me…

Last night the clock turned 7:11. I immediately texted my mom and brothers ‘7:11.’ My mom responded, ‘That’s how much you weighed when you were born!’ I said, ‘I know. Corrie would always text me 7:11 if she caught it on the clock.’ With no explanation, just ‘7:11.’ It was just our thing. (I like to think it’s just symbolic of her being blessed with 7lb 11oz me! 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️) But I sobbed last night when I caught that it was 7:11. All I wanted was a text from her and yet that idea seemed so far away. But after talking to her today, it doesn’t seem quite as far ♥️

It all started Friday evening. She got all dolled up and ready to go to dinner with her girlfriends for the Founders dinner for RLXCL. I mean, she’s seriously a die hard fan of these girls and their jewelry. Clearly. But look how beautiful she is 🥹

And Angelo, loving my sister so well, thought they should make a night of it and get a hotel room downtown. Eliana would stay overnight at one of their friend’s houses. (Blessing #1 and probably the biggest blessing of all. That little girl doesn’t miss a beat. She’s a die hard Mama fan, and would simply be traumatized if she saw what was about to happen and watch her sweet Mama leave in an ambulance.) He would drive Corrie and her friends to the dinner and pick them up. He’d bring all the girls home and then they’d go back to the hotel. So they were staying downtown. Close to a wonderful hospital. If they weren’t staying downtown, they wouldn’t have been sent to as great of a hospital. (Blessing #2)

When they got back to the hotel, they were just hanging out and talking when my sister started saying she was hot and then cold. So they decided to just lay down. Angelo rolled over and heard a weird scream/cry she let out. He turned around and her eyes had rolled back and her hands clenched up. He tried patting her face and yelling to her to try to get her to snap out of it. He called the valet and told them he needed help for his wife. By the time the ambulance and fire department got there, she had snapped out of it. She was a little confused but nothing too alarming. She was able to answer all of their questions and they looked her over. They thought she was okay, so they left. Not even 30 seconds later, it happened again and Ang was able to yell for help and they immediately came back and took her in the ambulance.

It would then be a long, I don’t even know how many hours until 8am when Angelo, Sharon and I could go see her Saturday morning. We walked into her room, heavily sedated with a ventilator in up in the Neuro ICU floor. It’s a sight I never want to see ever again.

They gave her anti seizure medication but still had to sedate and vent her because she kept having seizures in the ER and one was pretty big.

Because of the seizures in her left, lower temporal lobe, there is swelling to her brain which has affected her short term memory. Along with random, long term, memory things. (She asked Mom how Walter was 🥺) Once her brain heals, this will improve completely. (Blessing #3) And guys, she’s made so much progress. The prayers are working! So thank you from the bottom of our hearts, to all who have been praying for her. (Blessing #4)

She’s feisty and a fighter. (Blessing #5) She ripped out that ventilator herself Saturday night. We know she’s going to be feisty and fight her way back to being 100%.

I’m not going to go into an update of what they say it is quite yet, because things keep changing. It’s hard to keep up with. Just please pray the seizures stop completely. We’re moving in the right direction but they will not discharge her until she shows no seizure activity for at least 24 hours. The EEG monitor is picking up some small seizures in her brain that aren’t visible to us, or that she even notices. Last night she was finally down to only 1 small one that occurred.

In the state of IL, you can’t drive for 6 months after having a seizure, so there’ll definitely be some short term life changes that are worth it when you look at her being totally okay long term. And we’re continuing to pray that is what the outcome will be as we wait for further results to rule out different variables.

Her brain is slowly healing and she’s coming back. My sister is coming back to herself! 😭🥹

Hug your loved ones a little tighter today. And tell them you love them just one extra time. Be thankful for the small things. Because one day those small things might be so incredibly big. So incredibly big.

“Blessing”…God’s favor and protection. There really are too many blessings to count in the midst of what feels like, a terrible storm.

Corinthia Panagiotopoulous. You. Are. SO. Loved.

~XOXO

It’s almost Thanksgiving. Your favorite Holiday. And this year, This. Year. YOU, sweet sister, brought all of us together 🤍

You told me you had a weird feeling why we’d all be together this year. You weren’t sure why. But you had a feeling there was a reason.

You were SO excited for this weekend and coming week. We ordered the girls matching holiday dresses to go to the RLXCL Holiday Party downtown. Filled with your favorite things. RL+CL jewelry. Almost all your sisters on all sides of the family and Mom, together. 3 out of the 4 girl cousins in their matching holiday dresses. You were SO excited. Voula and I are here.

Brent’s family moved from AK to WI this summer and one of the first things you texted on our sibling text thread was that now he can be at Thanksgiving at your house! You were SO excited. And in true Brent, Air Force Pilot, Serious-man fashion, he replied ‘he’d have to see what the schedule would be but he’d get back to us.’ 🙄🤣 We knew he’d be there 😉 Brent is here and his family will soon be here.

You asked Rod if he and his family could come this weekend so he could be the photographer at Papou’s Surprise 80th Birthday party and then just stay through Thanksgiving. (Happy Happy 80th Birthday, Papou!) Ohhhhh, How Papou and Yiayia love you so, sweet sister. They are here…And Rod’s family, is here.

You got the house ready to sleep everyone. Mom, Sharon, Rod’s family and Brent’s family. At YOUR house. You even painted and got new furniture to be able to host your biggest Thanksgiving yet. Mom is here. And Sharon was here this weekend. Not for the festivities you may have had planned, but I know she’s so glad she was here!

The day after Thanksgiving you planned that we’d take all the cousins to Zoo Lights and everyone would come back to Crystal Lake to play at our house and have Chicken Chili.

Saturday. Saturday we were going to all head to Milwaukee to spend the day with Dad. All his Grandchildren would be running around playing in the gym of his church and school so we could all just be together. Dad was here.

These plans. These plans for your favorite Holiday were because of you, sweet sister.

Yet, much of them didn’t happen. We’ll take the next days one at a time. But there was a reason for all of it. We’re all here. With you.

You would need all of us here with you. That feeling you had. Why was it working out this year all of us would be together? Because God knew we’d also, all need each other. To be physically, together.

You promised Angelo tonight you’d be okay. You might not remember 3 minutes later that you made that promise. But we’ll remember until you do. Ang is going to hold you to that promise. And we will help you get there along the way 🫶🏼 And P.S. Angelo is most definitely here ♥️

You got us here. For Thanksgiving. Your Favorite Holiday. What a party we’ll have when you see all of us here. With you. We’ll all look around and see everyone together. Thanking God you’re here with us. And God will whisper in your ear and say, “This is why.”

~XOXO